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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good
meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend."Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars.""What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are-millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"
1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.
4) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
5) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
6) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
7) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
8) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
9) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
10) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
11) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
12) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
13) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
14) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
15) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"
--------------The History of the Holiday--------------------------------------
The First Parade
St. Patrick's Day is celebrated on March 17, his religious feast day and the anniversary of his death in the fifth century. The Irish have observed this day as a religious holiday for thousands of years.
On St. Patrick's Day, which falls during the Christian season of Lent, Irish families would traditionally attend church in the morning and celebrate in the afternoon. Lenten prohibitions against the consumption of meat were
waived and people would dance, drink, and feast-on the traditional meal of Irish bacon and cabbage.
The first St. Patrick's Day parade took place not in Ireland, but in the United States. Irish soldiers serving in the English military marched through New York
City on March 17, 1762. Along with their music, the parade helped the soldiers to reconnect with their Irish roots, as well as fellow Irishmen serving in the English army.
Over the next thirty-five years, Irish patriotism among American immigrants
flourished, prompting the rise of so-called "Irish Aid" societies, like the
Friendly Sons
of Saint Patrick and the Hibernian Society. Each group would hold annual parades
featuring bagpipes (which actually first became popular in the Scottish and
British
armies) and drums.
No Irish Need Apply Up until the mid-nineteenth century, most Irish immigrants in America were members of the Protestant middle class. When the Great Potato
Famine hit Ireland in 1845, close to a million poor, uneducated, Catholic Irish began to pour into America to escape starvation. Despised for their religious beliefs
and funny accents by the American Protestant majority, the immigrants had trouble finding even menial jobs. When Irish Americans in the country's cities took to the streets on
St. Patrick's Day to celebra te their heritage,newspapers portrayed them in cartoons as drunk, violent monkeys.
However, the Irish soon began to realize that their great numbers endowed them
with a
political power that had yet to be exploited. They started to organize, and
their voting
block, known as the "green machine," became an important swing vote for
political hopefuls.
Suddenly, annual St. Patrick's Day parades became a show of strength for Irish
Americans, as well as a must-attend event for a slew of political candidates. In 1948, President Truman attended New York City 's St. Patrick's Day parade, a proud moment
for the many Irish whose ancestors had to fight stereotypes and racial prejudice to find acceptance in America.
Wearing of the Green Goes Global Today, St. Patrick's Day is celebrated by people of all backgrounds in the United States, Canada, and Australia. Although North America is
home to the largest productions, St. Patrick's Day has been celebrated in other locations far from Ireland, including Japan, Singapore, and Russia.
In modern-day Ireland, St. Patrick's Day has traditionally been a religious
occasion. In fact,
up until the 1970s, Irish laws mandated that pubs be closed on March
17.Beginning in 1995,
however, the Irish government began a national campaign to use St. Patrick's Day
as an
opportunity to drive tourism and showcase Ireland to the rest of the world. Last
year, close
to one million people took part in Ireland 's St. Patrick's Festival in Dublin,
a multi-day
celebration featuring parades, concerts, outdoor theater productions, and
fireworks shows.
>>>By the Pike's Will
In one village there lived three brothers. The two elder brothers were
successful merchants, but the youngest brother was a fool named Emelya
who slept on the stove all day long. Once it happened that when he went
to the ice-hole for water and he caught a magic pike. The pike asked
him to let her go free and promised him to grant any of his wishes.
"Just say these magic words:
'By the pike's wish, at my command,' and everything will be done" the
pike said. Emelya agreed.
He ordered his water-pails to go home by itself, which they did, much
to the suprise of his sisters-in-law. Then he ordered the sledge to go
by itself to the nearest forest where his ax felled wood for the fire.
The tsar of the land heard about that wonder and ordered his officer
to bring Emelya to the palace. When Emelya came to the Tsar's courtyard
he saw the tsar's daughter and used the pike's magic to make her fall
in love with him.
Then the tsar gave orders to place the princess and Emelya in a barrel
and throw them into the sea. But Emelya again used the magic words and
the waves rolled the barrel onto the shore of a beautiful island. With
the pike's help Emelya "built" a big marble palace.
Then the princess asked him to become handsome and smart, and he turned
himself into a fine young prince. They started to live peacefully in
the palace. One day the tsar visited the island and, oh! What a wonder!,
he recognized his own daughter and Emelya who was changed into a fine
prince. The tsar wept and asked their forgiveness. They celebrated the
family's reunion and lived happily after that.
>>>A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United
States.He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and
says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, and
giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!"
But the passerby says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having
such a beautiful country here in America!"
The person says "I no American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!"
That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not
an American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously,"Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Russia!"
So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says"Probably at work."
>>> While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four
elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather
to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to
the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating
your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th
anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th,I'm thinking about going
down there again to pick her up."
>>> Are these my brains?
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
>>> Three rednecks
Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and
Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go
and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that beer, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you beer?"
"Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to
her, You must be Steve's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."....
Then I said .... "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
>>> Two piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask, "Where's the bathroom?"
The bartender points to the door and they rush in. Two more piggies walk
into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask, "Where's the bathroom?" The
bartender points to the door and they rush in. One piggy walks into a bar.
He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit. "Hey, buddy! Do
you want know where the bathroom is?" asks the bartender.
"No thanks," the piggy slurs, "I always go WEEWEEWEE all the way home!"
>>> Two women were in a hair salon talking about their home lives when the
subject of flighty husbands came up.
"It's unbelievable," one woman said. "I can never figure out where he goes at
night."
"I know exactly what you mean," said the other woman. "One second he's in the
house, and the next he's gone without a trace."
"Well, " said a woman eavesdropping nearby. "I always know where my husband is."
"How do you manage that?" the other two women asked. "Easy, " she replied. "I'm
a widow."
>>>A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United
States.He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and
says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, and
giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!"
But the passerby says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having
such a beautiful country here in America!"
The person says "I no American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!"
That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not
an American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously,"Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Russia!"
So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says"Probably at work."
>>> While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four
elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather
to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to
the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating
your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th
anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th,I'm thinking about going
down there again to pick her up."
>>> Are these my brains?
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
>>> Three rednecks
Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and
Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go
and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that beer, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you beer?"
"Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to
her, You must be Steve's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."....
Then I said .... "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
-----*-----
The best 'dear john' letter ever
A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from
his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just
too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been
gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture
of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they
could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc.
In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of
the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture
from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care, Ricky
>>> Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good
meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to
sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend."Watson,
look up at the sky and tell me what you see."Watson replied, "I see
millions and millions of stars.""What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there
are-millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets.Astrologically,
I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time
is
approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can
see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"
>>> 1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on
the shoulder
and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go
back for more.
3) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know
what floor your on.
4) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
5) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if
they have an appointment.
6) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
7) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if
they can hear ticking.
8) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures
and exits with the passengers.
9) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't
panic, they open again!"
10) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut
up, all of you, just shut up!"
11) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask,
"Got enough air in there?"
12) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
without getting off.
13) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.
14) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
15) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"
>>>A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United
States.He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and
says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, and
giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!"
But the passerby says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having
such a beautiful country here in America!"
The person says "I no American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!"
That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not
an American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously,"Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Russia!"
So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says"Probably at work."
>>> While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four
elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather
to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to
the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating
your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th
anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th,I'm thinking about going
down there again to pick her up."
>>> Are these my brains?
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
>>> Three rednecks
Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and
Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go
and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that beer, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you beer?"
"Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to
her, You must be Steve's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."....
Then I said .... "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
><>===--------------(( Daily Smile ))------------=====<>>> After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a
small Southern town decided he had enough. He told his wife that he
intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his
hat and coat and went to the barber shop, which was owned by the
pastor of the town's Baptist Church.
The barber's wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed the
task. Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water, and said,
"That will be $20." The man thought the price was a bit high, but
he paid the bill and went to work.
The next morning the man looked in the mirror, and his face was as
smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before.
Not bad, he thought. At least I don't need to get a shave every day.
The next morning, the man's face was still smooth. Two weeks later,
the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face.
It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barber shop.
"I thought $20 was high for a shave", he told the barber's wife, "but
you must have done a great job. It's been two weeks and my whiskers
still haven't started growing back."
The expression on her face didn't even change. Expecting his comment,
she responded, "You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved."
>>> While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona
cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle,
horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman
turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your
bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?" "Yup, we sure
are," Roy replied. "Well, are you gonna do anything special to
celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our
25th anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th,I'm thinking
about going down there again to pick her up."
>>> A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed,
is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the
dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he
says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's heavy."
>>> Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a
beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told
the priest that he had acted in an unsportsman-like manner at a recent
football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my
opponents."
"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the
priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve
of his coat.
"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents."
"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.
"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other
team's players in the in a sensitive area."
"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on
his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful
things?"
"Southern Methodist."
"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."
>>> Occasionally, airline flight attendants make an effort to make the
;in-flight safety lecture; a bit more entertaining. Here are some real
examples that have been heard or reported:
As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat
backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position.
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 6 ways out
of this airplane...;
Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.;
We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing
of the airplane.;
Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in
the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.;
Pilot - ;Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you
wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold
outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.;
And, after landing: ;Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
you for a ride.; As we waited just off the runway for another airliner
to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to
retrieve luggage from the overhead bins.
The head attendant announced on the intercom, ;This aircraft is
equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the
cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until
the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be
strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.;
>>> Two piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask, "Where's the bathroom?"
The bartender points to the door and they rush in. Two more piggies walk
into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask, "Where's the bathroom?" The
bartender points to the door and they rush in. One piggy walks into a bar.
He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit. "Hey, buddy! Do
you want know where the bathroom is?" asks the bartender.
"No thanks," the piggy slurs, "I always go WEEWEEWEE all the way home!"
>>> Two women were in a hair salon talking about their home lives when the
subject of flighty husbands came up.
"It's unbelievable," one woman said. "I can never figure out where he goes at
night."
"I know exactly what you mean," said the other woman. "One second he's in the
house, and the next he's gone without a trace."
"Well, " said a woman eavesdropping nearby. "I always know where my husband is."
"How do you manage that?" the other two women asked. "Easy, " she replied. "I'm
a widow."
>>>A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United
States.He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and
says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, and
giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!"
But the passerby says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having
such a beautiful country here in America!"
The person says "I no American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!"
That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not
an American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously,"Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Russia!"
So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says"Probably at work."
>>> While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four
elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather
to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to
the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating
your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th
anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th,I'm thinking about going
down there again to pick her up."
>>> Are these my brains?
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
>>> Three rednecks
Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and
Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go
and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that beer, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you beer?"
"Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to
her, You must be Steve's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."....
Then I said .... "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
-----*-----
The best 'dear john' letter ever
A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from
his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just
too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been
gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture
of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they
could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc.
In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of
the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture
from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care, Ricky
>>> Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good
meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to
sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend."Watson,
look up at the sky and tell me what you see."Watson replied, "I see
millions and millions of stars.""What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there
are-millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets.Astrologically,
I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time
is
approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can
see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"
>>> 1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on
the shoulder
and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go
back for more.
3) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know
what floor your on.
4) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
5) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if
they have an appointment.
6) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
7) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if
they can hear ticking.
8) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures
and exits with the passengers.
9) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't
panic, they open again!"
10) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut
up, all of you, just shut up!"
11) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask,
"Got enough air in there?"
12) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
without getting off.
13) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.
14) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
15) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"
>>>A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United
States.He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and
says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, and
giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!"
But the passerby says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having
such a beautiful country here in America!"
The person says "I no American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!"
That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not
an American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously,"Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Russia!"
So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says"Probably at work."
>>> While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four
elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather
to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to
the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating
your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th
anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th,I'm thinking about going
down there again to pick her up."
>>> Are these my brains?
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
>>> Three rednecks
Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and
Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go
and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that beer, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you beer?"
"Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to
her, You must be Steve's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."....
Then I said .... "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
Quotes About Marriage
Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.
Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.
Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. -- John Lyly
Mark Twain
No one ever went broke under-estimating the taste of the American public.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.
I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.
In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.
The report of my death was an exaggeration.
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
Oscar Wilde
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.
Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.
One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.
To disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity.
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.
I can resist anything but temptation.
We have really everything in common with America nowadays except, of course, language.
"The moment there is suspicion about a person's motives, everything he does becomes tainted."
Mahatma Ghandi
"Truth is by nature self-evident, as soon as you remove the cobwebs of ignorance that surround it, it shines clear."
Mahatma Ghandi
"An error does not become truth by reason of multiplied propagation, nor does truth become error because nobody will see it."
Mahatma Ghandi
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world."
Mahatma Ghandi
"The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated."
Mahatma Ghandi
"Moral authority is never retained by any attempt to hold on to it. It comes without seeking and is retained without effort."
Mahatma Ghandi
'Self-respect knows no considerations."
Mahatma Ghandi
"There is a higher court than courts of justice and that is the court of conscience. It supercedes all other courts."
Mahatma Ghandi
"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win."
Mahatma Ghandi
David Letterman
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
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